3/25/2010

I think that this blog is going to end up falling into the depths of my academic goals. From here on out, it'd be safe to expect everything to be Psychology and Philosophy based.
The biggest theme in my classes today was nature and nurture (as it has been lately). This is not a unfamiliar concept to me by any means, but I feel as if every time I approach it I find something new. I will confess that a lot of me reason for pursuing these to degrees is in search of myself. My main goal for the past eight years has been trying to figure out why I am who I am. What is biological and what is environmental. How much do I have control over? As well as seeing patterns in other people.
My main point is that we discussed negative traits and how they become that way. For example, most of my life I have blamed my ex-step dad for making me feel worthless. This isn't a situational feeling, but something that has continued to stick with me everywhere I go. Now, I am not taking any blame away from him. He was the one who physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me, however if it had only come from him, a single source, I would not have a constant feeling of worthlessness. It was reinforced. By my mom and everyone else who saw it happen and never did anything about it. If I was worth something to any of them they would have stuck up for me. Now I know that is not true and overall it is much more complex than that, but from where I was standing, that is what happened. Yes, my mom would argue with him on my behalf, but at the end of every fight she stayed with him. For over ten years she never left. So in my mind she was choosing him over me, he was more important. Understanding where the feeling comes from helps a lot in making it go away.
This (and the same goes for every other post) is not meant to arise any emotional reactions toward me from the people who read it. You don't need to tell me you're sorry, because I am okay. I have managed to work through the worst of it and now can examine it. And that's all this blog is.
Peace.